heartaches part 2

it's dark, and somehow i've stumbled, losing my footing. now i'm laying in the dirt. my chest begins to feel heavy. realizing a large rock has been placed there. slowly crushing me, and slightly restricting my breath. i'm too weak to lift it off myself. panicking i try in vain to get the weight off. i begin to sob gasping for air feeling completely trapped. i stay there for awhile wondering how i got here, and if anyone will find me and liberate me. i notice the sun is coming up it's not so dark. but the weight on my chest is pressing as hard as ever. i look around and notice i've become a side show for a crowd of people who are starting to surround me. some of them laugh, some of them try in vain to lift the rock from me, some of them kneel down next to me and say it's going to be okay, but most stare wide eyed waiting to see what might happen to my sad pathetic story. i can't hold the tears anymore, i let it run making the dirt stick to me. i notice you're in the crowd, relief is swept over my countenance. but as my vision clears through the wet. I realize you're clothes and hands are covered in dust, And suddenly I know how I ended up here. It became dark as you turned off the light, and i trustingly followed. I didn't lose my footing in the dark, you tripped me, and to top it off you placed this discomfort right into my heart. you make eye contact with me, and begin to turn and walk away. I try to scream and yell at you. every profanity i can think is running through my head directed at you that i want you to hear, but all I can manage to get out, is a small whisper "I trusted you."
somewhere along the way, someone removed the rock, but I can't recall who. I've become numb. and the rock has left deep bruising. I've become like an angry caged animal at the zoo. I have no desire to see people, they can't be trusted. As people approach the wires keeping me in. I snarl and growl until they back away. good, i think. now you can't hurt me. so i stay there in my cage not putting trust into anyone. because how can you? after you've been so hurt and heartbroken, by someone you loved with all that you were. thinking that they loved you too, when it was all a lie. you begin to learn he's just another guy who got what he wanted and then left you in the wake of his own selfish desires. so i sit alone with my face to the wall not letting anyone see the tears that come, they're unstoppable. thinking of the good times, the bad times, the things happened, the things that could have happened. they all set the waterfall off. I've never cried so much in my entire existence.

this is what a heartbreak feels like. like your heart has been replaced for a heavy large rock. like you can't breathe. you feel helpless, broken. and completely and utterly alone.

but at some point you have to let the walls of your cage come down. you can't stay there forever.

You have to come to terms with the fact that he hurt you, and he's not coming back. and that it simply wasn't meant to be. and you slowly start to remember the people that were there trying to help you get the rock off. the people that stayed telling you that it would be okay. and there was the person who eventually got the rock off of you. They didn't walk away without a word of goodbye. and even though you're still a bit bruised and broken, you realize that there are people out there that you don't have to shut out, that you can put your trust in. you just need to be a little more careful with who you give your heart to next time.

I'm not saying that i'm 100% over him.
because I'm not.
4 days isn't enough to let go of a boy you gave your heart too.
It's going to take a very long time.
but I'm slowly beginning to feel like some of the pieces of my soul are coming back to me.
And I may not be ready to jump into the dating world for awhile.
but i'm keeping in mind that i'll be there one day.

I'm eventually going to be okay. but if you ask me at the moment if i'm okay, the answer is no i'm not, and it'll be followed by tears. so beware. ask at your own risk. 

Sometimes.

Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I can see that people don't like me. Sometimes I have a concussion that's kicking my ass (or head). Sometimes all I want is to be cuddled by a boy. Sometimes I have no one to confide in. Sometimes I feel like all I do is eat. Sometimes I'm so tired I walk around like a zombie. Sometimes I cry for no real reason. Sometimes I realize I'm on my period, and all these emotions I'm feeling begin to make sense.

Cheers to the menstrual cycle.

people have been mean.

One of those days.

Why are there days you wake up looking in the mirror, and not liking anything you see?

Why are there days you feel lonely, unwanted, and that no one cares?

Why are there days you cry? 

Why are there days you feel sorry about awful things that have happened?

Why are there days you just want to be held, but you have no one to hold you, and then realize that's your fault? 

Why are there days you're stressed out of your wits? 

Why are there days you feel gross everywhere?

Why are there days that you ache for things you can't have?

Why are there days you feel angry, for no real reason at all?

Why do all these happen to you on the same day?

no one's got it all. sucks to suck. reality hits you hard bro.

Hey folks, it's been awhile. A very long while. I guess in college reality hits you hard. and you find less time to sit by yourself, and blog, write in your journal, or read a book for fun. it seems i have neglected these things for far too long.

these things can't be neglected any longer. i need to find a new stress reliever. since i have been grounded from running, for who knows how long. blogging and journal writing used to serve as a stress outlet. it helps to write. most of the time.

now are you ready?

ready for the story, that's causing my hair to fall out. making me have restless slumbers. leaving me wondering, why? why do i do this to myself?

because it's coming. when i can figure out how and where to start.

a word of advice.

after a total of 12 hours of my communications class i have accumulated a baby crush on a boy in there. his name is cameron. he's a baseball player. which is a bonus. and i mean very big bonus. now's the time i get to the advice part. i had the perfect opportunity to get his number yesterday, as we talked about how he's living at his grandparents house, and how he gets lonely. that was a calling for me to say  'Well give me your number and we'll hang out sometime! so you're not so lonely." i didn't take that chance. and i'm super annoyed.

"if you were looking for an opportune moment, that was it." -Captain Jack Sparrow