heartaches part 2

it's dark, and somehow i've stumbled, losing my footing. now i'm laying in the dirt. my chest begins to feel heavy. realizing a large rock has been placed there. slowly crushing me, and slightly restricting my breath. i'm too weak to lift it off myself. panicking i try in vain to get the weight off. i begin to sob gasping for air feeling completely trapped. i stay there for awhile wondering how i got here, and if anyone will find me and liberate me. i notice the sun is coming up it's not so dark. but the weight on my chest is pressing as hard as ever. i look around and notice i've become a side show for a crowd of people who are starting to surround me. some of them laugh, some of them try in vain to lift the rock from me, some of them kneel down next to me and say it's going to be okay, but most stare wide eyed waiting to see what might happen to my sad pathetic story. i can't hold the tears anymore, i let it run making the dirt stick to me. i notice you're in the crowd, relief is swept over my countenance. but as my vision clears through the wet. I realize you're clothes and hands are covered in dust, And suddenly I know how I ended up here. It became dark as you turned off the light, and i trustingly followed. I didn't lose my footing in the dark, you tripped me, and to top it off you placed this discomfort right into my heart. you make eye contact with me, and begin to turn and walk away. I try to scream and yell at you. every profanity i can think is running through my head directed at you that i want you to hear, but all I can manage to get out, is a small whisper "I trusted you."
somewhere along the way, someone removed the rock, but I can't recall who. I've become numb. and the rock has left deep bruising. I've become like an angry caged animal at the zoo. I have no desire to see people, they can't be trusted. As people approach the wires keeping me in. I snarl and growl until they back away. good, i think. now you can't hurt me. so i stay there in my cage not putting trust into anyone. because how can you? after you've been so hurt and heartbroken, by someone you loved with all that you were. thinking that they loved you too, when it was all a lie. you begin to learn he's just another guy who got what he wanted and then left you in the wake of his own selfish desires. so i sit alone with my face to the wall not letting anyone see the tears that come, they're unstoppable. thinking of the good times, the bad times, the things happened, the things that could have happened. they all set the waterfall off. I've never cried so much in my entire existence.

this is what a heartbreak feels like. like your heart has been replaced for a heavy large rock. like you can't breathe. you feel helpless, broken. and completely and utterly alone.

but at some point you have to let the walls of your cage come down. you can't stay there forever.

You have to come to terms with the fact that he hurt you, and he's not coming back. and that it simply wasn't meant to be. and you slowly start to remember the people that were there trying to help you get the rock off. the people that stayed telling you that it would be okay. and there was the person who eventually got the rock off of you. They didn't walk away without a word of goodbye. and even though you're still a bit bruised and broken, you realize that there are people out there that you don't have to shut out, that you can put your trust in. you just need to be a little more careful with who you give your heart to next time.

I'm not saying that i'm 100% over him.
because I'm not.
4 days isn't enough to let go of a boy you gave your heart too.
It's going to take a very long time.
but I'm slowly beginning to feel like some of the pieces of my soul are coming back to me.
And I may not be ready to jump into the dating world for awhile.
but i'm keeping in mind that i'll be there one day.

I'm eventually going to be okay. but if you ask me at the moment if i'm okay, the answer is no i'm not, and it'll be followed by tears. so beware. ask at your own risk. 

Validation.

Please. Please. Please. watch this video. It will make you smile for days. I wish I was as cool as him. 

WE HAVE SO MUCH TO SMILE ABOUT!  

don't believe me? I'll prove it. 

1. Wearing my new maxi-skirt. 2. Boys complimenting me in English. 3. Smiling at random strangers. 4. Lamps. 5. The sun is shining. 6. Polka dots with stripes. 7. Pearls. 8. Having a job I love. 9. Sewing. 10. My Nikon. 11. Spring is just around the corner. 12. My roommate is engaged, and i'm so excited for her. 13. Talking to Josh. 14. Hanging out with Annika cause it's been forever since I've seen my PG people. 15. Two hour road trips (with treats) with Tori. 16. Singing Red, by T. Swift obnoxiously with Tori. 17. P.F. Changs. 18. Being able to for a moment or two miss high school. 19. The Three Musketeers. 20. Doing an excellent job in my English class. 21. Learning to recognize my flaws, so I can become better. 22. Dallin liking my profile picture, even if I had forgotten him.. 23. Looking at pictures of when I was an itty bitty kid. 24. Chit Chats with Mom and Dad. 25. Clean sheets. 26. Fortune cookies. 27. People watching. 28. Opportunities. 29. Being blessed with all the things I have. 30. T-bone. 31. My toms from Grandma. 32. Snowboarding. (even though it's made me concussed). 33. My eye liner actually looks somewhat symmetrical today. 34. That I'm proud of my art major, even if other people think it's not the best major. 35. Homemade salsa. 36. Home teacher at home asking me if I was dating anyone, and when I said no he said, "Good! you have eternity to be married. Enjoy the single life." I needed to hear that, I was expecting him to look at me like I was broken like most people do. 37. Cute boy in my soil class. 38. Animal print. 39. Music. 40. The fact that I could keep this list going on and on, but that would be a long post. 

I Breanna, CHOOSE to smile (:

I encourage you all to make your own list of things to smile about. 

and to give some compliments to those around you. 

wishes. wants. and desires.

I wish I was brave enough to tell you how sorry I am.
I wish I could show you how I never ment to hurt you.
I wish I could take it all back, because in the end you were right.
I wish we were still friends, because after all you were one of my very best.

I want you to know you came into my life for a purpose. You turned my sucky senior year around. you allowed me to enjoy what I had left of high school, when all I wanted was to get out.
I want you to know that I took you for granted, and I shouldn't have.
I want you to know that how things ended between us is my biggest regret from high school.

I desire for us to be friends. even though this is most likely out of the question. because I don't deserve it.
I desire you to know I miss your friendship.

I wish, I want, and I desire.

all words that enable dreams of things you can't have.

so heres to my dream. because you're definitely there. maybe not as a boyfriend, or a significant other, but as friend you once were to me.

Running. Always running.

There comes to be a point in life, when you can't run any more. your exhausted, weak, and completely out of energy. Then it happens. Those things you've been running from, they slowly start to catch up.

You start to find that you still aren't over him, no matter how hard you tried to make yourself believe that you were finally done.  You start to see the hurt in peoples eyes that you put there. Then you realize, you are about to put that same hurt into another's soul. All for this boy. A boy you can't even have. 

Do you ever learn? Will you ever learn to let go? Are you willing to turn around and face the fact that what you want is out of reach, and not what's best for you? 

or will you run? run until you can't anymore, when the process starts all over again. When you have to put yourself and other's through hurt over things you can't have. 

stop running. face it. he's not going to take you back. and things will work out. eventually. 

easier said than done.

right?