wishes. wants. and desires.

I wish I was brave enough to tell you how sorry I am.
I wish I could show you how I never ment to hurt you.
I wish I could take it all back, because in the end you were right.
I wish we were still friends, because after all you were one of my very best.

I want you to know you came into my life for a purpose. You turned my sucky senior year around. you allowed me to enjoy what I had left of high school, when all I wanted was to get out.
I want you to know that I took you for granted, and I shouldn't have.
I want you to know that how things ended between us is my biggest regret from high school.

I desire for us to be friends. even though this is most likely out of the question. because I don't deserve it.
I desire you to know I miss your friendship.

I wish, I want, and I desire.

all words that enable dreams of things you can't have.

so heres to my dream. because you're definitely there. maybe not as a boyfriend, or a significant other, but as friend you once were to me.

the weekend has brought me comfort.

A weekend at home has ment that...

-I've wrapped a million presents for my mom. thanks to my roommate Tyler who taught me how to make legit bows. 

-I've watched half a season of Once upon a time. 

-I've "ate" real food. <---if you don't know why this is funny you might be from Idaho. 

-I had the opportunity to take my best friends preference pictures.

-I went alone to a farewell. one that was hard to go to. especially alone. but i made it. and i'm glad i went. 

now finals are calling my name.. yay?

home.

home is an odd place these days.
i no longer have a "room" to call my own. i now use my sisters room. which is a pain in my rear when i find myself walking to what was my room every time i need to grab something.
my family goes to bed at 10. what are they thinking??? the party doesn't even start until 10.. so i awkwardly sit here in the quiet empty house saying well now what? i have at least 4 hours to kill.
all my friends... in logan, doing high school activities, or in other various college towns. so who am i to hang out with? the dog? this my people is what happens to "home" when you move out on your own.

chilled.

I usually despise wind. But today, I have to fess up that I really needed it, and may have indulged myself in it.

 

To feel the cool harsh wind nip at my nose and ears until I couldn't feel the sting. 

To feel it comb through my hair, making it an exciting mess. 

To breathe in the fresh taste of it. 

To smell the bitter sweetness of a December morning. 

To have my cheeks turn bright and rosy. Giving me the look of an excited blush. 

To make me feel alive, awake, and calm. 

cheers to rosy cheeks! 

One of those days.

Why are there days you wake up looking in the mirror, and not liking anything you see?

Why are there days you feel lonely, unwanted, and that no one cares?

Why are there days you cry? 

Why are there days you feel sorry about awful things that have happened?

Why are there days you just want to be held, but you have no one to hold you, and then realize that's your fault? 

Why are there days you're stressed out of your wits? 

Why are there days you feel gross everywhere?

Why are there days that you ache for things you can't have?

Why are there days you feel angry, for no real reason at all?

Why do all these happen to you on the same day?

Running. Always running.

There comes to be a point in life, when you can't run any more. your exhausted, weak, and completely out of energy. Then it happens. Those things you've been running from, they slowly start to catch up.

You start to find that you still aren't over him, no matter how hard you tried to make yourself believe that you were finally done.  You start to see the hurt in peoples eyes that you put there. Then you realize, you are about to put that same hurt into another's soul. All for this boy. A boy you can't even have. 

Do you ever learn? Will you ever learn to let go? Are you willing to turn around and face the fact that what you want is out of reach, and not what's best for you? 

or will you run? run until you can't anymore, when the process starts all over again. When you have to put yourself and other's through hurt over things you can't have. 

stop running. face it. he's not going to take you back. and things will work out. eventually. 

easier said than done.

right?

no one's got it all. sucks to suck. reality hits you hard bro.

Hey folks, it's been awhile. A very long while. I guess in college reality hits you hard. and you find less time to sit by yourself, and blog, write in your journal, or read a book for fun. it seems i have neglected these things for far too long.

these things can't be neglected any longer. i need to find a new stress reliever. since i have been grounded from running, for who knows how long. blogging and journal writing used to serve as a stress outlet. it helps to write. most of the time.

now are you ready?

ready for the story, that's causing my hair to fall out. making me have restless slumbers. leaving me wondering, why? why do i do this to myself?

because it's coming. when i can figure out how and where to start.